Hibernation

This winter of hibernation has taught me many things. One is how meditative time alone and indoors can be. It might seem pretty obvious, but I somewhat dreaded the idea of working part-time away from my physically and emotionally high-stress job. Sure, initially I loved the idea of not going in to work everyday, being carefree with nowhere to go and nothing to worry about except my health and nurturing this burgeoning life inside of me. I loved my job, but it was definitely not compatible with pregnancy and I was excited to have the time to focus on this new, life altering endeavor. It would be like a perpetual sick day without the sick part! I could read all the books I wanted. I could commit to a daily yoga practice of whatever design and length I desired. I could meditate and craft more. I could spend more time with my husband. The list of possibilities seemed endless and my morning (ha! more like, all day) sickness didn't leave me with much of a choice. In spite of my nausea and exhaustion, I was truly thrilled to be fortunate enough to take some time away from the grind of full time work.

silly face @ 10 weeks pregnant

Once I had committed though I was scared. The fear of feeling useless, bored/boring, dull, lonely, etc... overwhelmed me. Would I become that insipid woman who can only talk about crib sheet patterns and diapering choices? Would I lose my sense of self in this pregnancy and never find me again? Was I okay with being financially dependent on another (albeit that person is my amazing partner in all that I do)? What would I fill my days with?

Once the constant nausea began to fade, these worries grew stronger. Late nights with friends, although their intentions were so kind, were no longer appealing to me. The smoke filled rooms that were a staple of my young adulthood had no allure anymore. I was typically in bed by 10 PM and after some reading and Conan, out like a light. I was struggling, still trying to define myself with terms that had become obsolete.

Pregnancy is an odd thing. With your first child it's almost as if your on a boat in between two shores. On one side you have the mothers and on the other you have non-mothers. You are no longer in either camp. You exist in between, rowing from one side to another, trying to learn new ways to define yourself and your life.

After a lot of struggle I finally recognized that I am no longer that girl and that is okay. It doesn't mean that I am boring or useless. It simply means that I am something new. I am now the girl who wakes up somewhat early without an alarm to enjoy an awesome morning bath/reading ritual and enjoy how amazing even the winter sunlight can be shining through my window. I am the girl who practices her midmorning prenatal yoga in her baby's room and meditates on the wonders and worries of parenting. I am the girl that still loves music and gets so inspired from discovering a new artist or song. I am the girl who cultivates her crafting and spends her evenings crocheting a kick-ass hat or stitch witchering everything in the house. Now in addition to the political, feminist, music, and pop culture blogs you can include a few mothering sites in the blog roll. Instead of wine, I have my nightly tea. In lieu of enjoying our weekends at the pub, winding down from the week, we enjoy them cuddling up close in bed, taking in a movie we've been waiting to see. I am still the same, but undeniably different.

@ 20 weeks pregnant

I have tried my darndest to acknowledge my fears and move past them. I am making the most of this time. I know that I am crazy lucky to have it. I can happily say that I have read more in the last several months than I ever before. My yoga practice is evolving and changing right along with my body, giving me strength and clarity that helps guide me through each day. My meditation practice is growing, helping me to build a newer, stronger foundation of self that I will need in these upcoming months and years.

 

with Ellie, our beloved poodle

This hibernation has allowed me the time and the freedom to examine myself and my anxieties and to transform them into something productive. I now know that I will never be who I don't want to be. I define the terms. I will be a mother and I will be myself. I will grow and change from this experience in ways I probably can't even imagine right now and these experiences will only add to what comprises me, not remove any part. I will be forced to be emotionally flexible and evolve the way I look at myself and the world... and I just can't wait.

Namaste.
Tara