So these last two weeks have been very intense and completely overwhelming for our little household. I have sat down to write about our car breaking down and then breaking down again, Kellen's schedule being flipped completely upside down and me subsequently needing to look for another job, and trying to find childcare for Ezra (that is a whole new level of worry), but there has been very little time and lots of flailing about and stressed out overreaction that needed to be done.
I just feel the weight of things like this so much more now with Ezra. Decisions about our living/working situations are no longer just our own concerns. There is somebody else involved, somebody else that depends on us to provide him with everything he needs, an amazing little person that deserves nothing but the best we can give. I am sure he has been feeling all of the tension that has been in the air, but I have been trying my best to put on a good face for him and shower him with lots of love and attention when I get to caught up in my worries.
So yeah, the car thing was a bummer, but we were able to get it all figured out and now it's behind us. That's what savings is for (or so I keep telling myself). And yes, we were initially quite upset to hear about Kellen's schedule shift. (I don't believe I've wrote about Kellen's profession before. He works as an anchor/ producer for a morning news program meaning an overnight schedule.) Within a few weeks, Kel will be moving day-side, which translates to a regular 9 to 6. A year ago I would have been thrilled about this, but now it means finding a new job and finding reliable, responsible childcare and honestly the whole thing just makes me want to rip my hair out.
But on the flip side there are so many things about this shift that just make me thrilled. I will actually be able to spend my nights with my husband. We will be able to do the whole dinner prep/ "How was your day?"/ baby nighttime routine/ pillow talk together. We won't be spending half the weekend trying to "reset" Kel's schedule to something vaguely normal, only to have to force sleep at 3 PM on Sunday. My poor husband won't be half-tired, the poor guy, all the time anymore. And for all of these things I am so very excited.
I know that in the long run all these changes will be a good thing for my family, it's just the logistics that make it difficult. It's figuring out exactly how we're going to make it all work that's making my head spin.
Also, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to give up all my time with my baby. I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to get back into the grind of a full-time career. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave Ezra. I'm just...not sure.
But alas with financial concerns and making our house truly thrive there doesn't seem to be a lot of options, so I am trying to make the most of an unexpected and overwhelming curve ball. Maybe we will look back on this and say it was such a good thing. I hope so.