Monday, May 14, 2012

Curve Ball

So these last two weeks have been very intense and completely overwhelming for our little household. I have sat down to write about our car breaking down and then breaking down again, Kellen's schedule being flipped completely upside down and me subsequently needing to look for another job, and trying to find childcare for Ezra (that is a whole new level of worry), but there has been very little time and lots of flailing about and stressed out overreaction that needed to be done.

I just feel the weight of things like this so much more now with Ezra. Decisions about our living/working situations are no longer just our own concerns. There is somebody else involved, somebody else that depends on us to provide him with everything he needs, an amazing little person that deserves nothing but the best we can give. I am sure he has been feeling all of the tension that has been in the air, but I have been trying my best to put on a good face for him and shower him with lots of love and attention when I get to caught up in my worries.

So yeah, the car thing was a bummer, but we were able to get it all figured out and now it's behind us. That's what savings is for (or so I keep telling myself). And yes, we were initially quite upset to hear about Kellen's schedule shift. (I don't believe I've wrote about Kellen's profession before. He works as an anchor/ producer for a morning news program meaning an overnight schedule.) Within a few weeks, Kel will be moving day-side, which translates to a regular 9 to 6. A year ago I would have been thrilled about this, but now it means finding a new job and finding reliable, responsible childcare and honestly the whole thing just makes me want to rip my hair out.

But on the flip side there are so many things about this shift that just make me thrilled. I will actually be able to spend my nights with my husband. We will be able to do the whole dinner prep/ "How was your day?"/ baby nighttime routine/ pillow talk together. We won't be spending half the weekend trying to "reset" Kel's schedule to something vaguely normal, only to have to force sleep at 3 PM on Sunday. My poor husband won't be half-tired, the poor guy, all the time anymore. And for all of these things I am so very excited.

I know that in the long run all these changes will be a good thing for my family, it's just the logistics that make it difficult. It's figuring out exactly how we're going to make it all work that's making my head spin.

Also, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to give up all my time with my baby. I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to get back into the grind of a full-time career. I'm not sure I'm ready to leave Ezra. I'm just...not sure.

But alas with financial concerns and making our house truly thrive there doesn't seem to be a lot of options, so I am trying to make the most of an unexpected and overwhelming curve ball. Maybe we will look back on this and say it was such a good thing. I hope so.



Dansare said...

Really hoping that the work/childcare situation works out for you guys! I'll be sending good vibes your way.

Danielle said...

I hope everything works out for you. Change can be such an awkward thing to get used to, even if there are so many benefits.


Mama Smith said...

I am the worst with change, but it sounds like despite the current upheaval this change could be good in the long run. Hope it all gets resolved quickly and easily! Hang in there :)

Lea said...

Praying you find a great daycare for Ezra!

Rebecca said...

Oh no! I've been wondering where you were. Happy late Mother's Day to you too!! I hope you were able to take a break from the stress and do something nice!

It's scary how much changes, big or small, can affect us once there's a baby in the mix. We only have one car, and yesterday I started worrying about what would happen if something went wrong with it or I was out and got a flat. It's a little more complicated with a tiny person to consider! Scary thoughts!

I hope you're able to come up with some solutions that work for your family, and that ultimately these are happy changes for you!!

Annie said...

It's understandable why you would be a bit overwhelmed right now, but I'm sure things will work out for the best and like you said, it already sounds like this is a positive change with Kellen's new schedule so that's one big plus! I hope you aren't feeling too stressed this week and are doing enjoyable and relaxing things to keep yourself calm in the scary face of change :)

Annie said...

Hope everything is going well! xo