I am learning that nothing is ever as you planned and holding on to the past or to your pain will only bring future suffering. So Ezra's birth did not unfold as I had imagined. So breastfeeding became so painful and eventually physically impossible (pus, scabs, etc...) that I had to give it up. So I only sleep a couple of hours a night and have a baby that needs to be held/ bounced pretty much constantly. It is not what I had imagined, but it is exactly as it should be.
Motherhood has shown me the rigidity that I sometimes possess, the desire for constant perfection (however I define it) and it has forced me to let a lot of my ego go. A baby doesn't care that you didn't get the birth that you wanted or that you are in so much pain from an unplanned surgery that picking them up is difficult. A baby doesn't care that you can't physically bounce up and down on the yoga ball anymore or that you haven't slept for more than two hours in a row in weeks. A baby most definitely doesn't care about your preconceived notions of what a "good mother" is. A baby wants love and closeness and ease. They want your best self, not who you thought your best self was.
I am becoming truly flexible for the first time and it feels really good.
Namaste!
Tara
2 comments:
Beautifully written. I totally understand, and the respect for what you doing is actually greater knowing that you embrace the challenges. You are a wonderful woman and you have a beautiful baby, no questions about it. Keep going! Like I always used to say - usually with tears in my eyes - it is easier, and more rewarding, every day.
Amen, sister! I find that if I'm hanging on to pain, it's because I'm "getting" something from that pain—usually just an excuse to throw a pity party, and not do what needs to be done to move forward. Go ahead and mourn your disappointment over your birth experience; losing a "plan" is a very real loss! But don't let it paralyze you. (I know, easier said than done.) It's a constant struggle, but a worthwhile one!
Welcome Earthside, beautiful Ezra!
~ Noelle
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