Ez's 1st Phrase

How did I not see that coming?

This Week/ The Funk

 BANANA DATE ALMOND MILKSHAKE

 TRYING ON MAMA'S STYLE

 THE LAST OF OUR FRESH TOMATOES IN THE WINTER SUN

 NEW BOOK

 

This week I've been in a little bit of a funk. It's probably some combination of the crazy weather (from a record breaking 73 degrees - we were walking in tee shirts - to negative 2 degrees last night), a backache because of the crazy weather, less than stellar sleep, and Ezra's intense emotions this week. But with this roller coaster that has been the last seven days there have also been these huge leaps and bounds in Ez's language. He is intelligibly saying so much more it seems out of no where. His language skills have always been great, but this last week there has been tremendous growth. "Mates" (tomatoes), "Pouts" (sprouts), "Tea", "Garoo" (kangaroo), "Broom", "Kit" (kitty), "Lawa" (lara bar), and so many more along with very definitive "yes" and "no"s with head shakes. Language is amazing and watching it grow in another even more so, but with a lot of new usually brings a lot of intensity and this week was definitely no exception. So many lovely and clear words brought with them lots of screaming, meltdowns, and clinging. Ah, it must be difficult to be a little one. I know for sure that sometimes it's difficult to be mama.

As I am typing this I hear him giggle from his room, presumably telling secrets to his bear as he falls asleep and I can't help but giggle myself. Man, I just love that crazy little person. Here's to some personal care (hello new book, candles, and heating pad), warmer weather, and hopefully some calm down on the baby front.

 ENJOYING OUR 'MATES

I hope you all have a great weekend! Tonight is all about relaxation for us and I believe tomorrow a 'painting the bathroom date night' is in order. Party animals!

Namaste peeps!

Tara

Tending Garden

"I have a garden in my backyard. The more time I spend in it, the more beautiful it becomes. Not because of the hard work, the weeding, cleaning, raking, the tasks and sweat, but because I no longer view it as separate from me. From inside the garden I no longer view it critically from arm's length as flawed, as less than perfect. 
You have a garden in your home."
- Karen Maezen Miller, Mama Zen

Hmmm...isn't that the truth? This idea has been on my mind a lot lately. I have never felt so close to Kellen and watching him with Ezra has changed our love at its core. Planning the weekly purees and the never-ending nap time struggles, laughing our butts off at Ez's new, silent film expressions and enduring the colic that seemed it would never end, creating silly songs about poop together and sharing whispered affection over our sleeping cherub, these are the things of true love.

We are enjoying the romance of no romance. The love that blossoms out of something more than an idealized version of another, the love that grows out of honesty and spit up, I now see more than ever that this is something special.

No one has seen me so very low and no one has loved me so well. This year has by far been the most intense and overwhelming year of my life and I will admit that I have not taken every step in stride. My hormones, my body, and my perspective have fluctuated more than I thought possible these last many months and this has not always made me the kindest or most attentive wife. I have battled depression like never before and seen unfortunate sides of myself I wasn't aware existed. And through every up and down, I have been loved.

I am so fortunate to have such an incredibly loving, honest, ridiculously hilarious and good hearted partner. Half of the most beautiful, awe-inspiring thing I have ever done, his support and amazing patience have been the glue holding this last year together. He is the laid back yin to my neurotic yang and I honestly could not imagine doing any of this without him. He is an amazing, involved, and patient parent and I couldn't love him more.

With our powers combined we create SUPERPARENT! Ha! More like SUPERNERD!
 
This weekend we joyfully celebrated five years of marriage with an overnight trip to Lawrence, KS (a little over an hour away). We were married there and go back every year for our anniversary to thrift, enjoy live music, and eat incredible food. It's our little oasis, a place for us to celebrate each other and our love. I am so excited for our little annual get away (and our first trip together since Ez has been born).

Married (2007)- We actually did it!

 1st anniversary (2008)- Good, old-fashioned fun.

 

 2nd anniversary (2009)- Oh, how I miss that beard!

 3rd anniversary (2010)- Kellen found $100 bill in a thrifted jacket/peephole pictures

 4th anniversary (2011)- Looking and feeling very pregnant.

We typically stay an entire weekend, but with the little guy at home we simply made it an overnight affair. It was very low-key and perfect, exactly what we needed. We window browsed, drank a few speciality brews, and slept in (until 8 AM- Ha!).

We arrived home feeling like it had all gone by a little too quickly, but so thankful to be able to share that little bit of time together. This year has been a crazy whirlwind, but we know that we will always come back to the love that we share.

5 years strong (and I still can't take a non-blurry photo in a hotel room!)

Wishing you all a love-filled week!

Tara

Over The Moon

So I'm riding pretty high on the wonderfulness that has been these last several days. Our weekend was full of good friends and celebration (and probably staying up way too late but totally worth it). I felt renewed and full of love heading into this week.

Sunday and Monday I was able to catch up on some much needed sleep and relax and play with that awesome little boy. I am learning that he is a little claustrophobic about overstimulation, so I have backed off a bit with my need to engage him in such a direct way. He seems to be perfectly content to crawl around and play at his own leisure and pace with brief interruptions of books, songs, and games. And whatever makes him happy makes me happy, so I'm learning to leave my boy to it. Loving him means giving him the space that he needs and I'm falling even more in love through my view from the sidelines. I can already see how fiercely independent he is and the best thing I can do is foster a peaceful, open environment for him to explore and learn. Breathe in. Breathe out. Let go. 

In addition to a great couple of days at our homestead, one of my closest friend's gave birth to a beautiful baby girl last week. (I'm so proud of you Amber! You're an amazing mother, a great friend, and total badass. I love you, mama!) On Monday I was able to stop by and give them both lots of love. Oh, this baby is the calmest, sweetest little bundle of joy you have ever seen and that newborn baby smell...it's just too lovely. Ezra's new playmate is such a sweetheart and her mother is doing amazingly well. It brings me so much joy to see someone I deeply care for in such a happy and loving place. And I'm about to tear up writing this, so on to the next...

To follow up a wonderful weekend, yesterday we hit a HUGE milestone. HUGE. Ezra stayed the full day at Mother's Day Out (10 AM-3 PM). He finally had a full and fun-filled day with his friends. I called and checked in at our normal time (usually to hear that he is quite tired, but unable to nap) only to find that he played well and ate well and actually took a nice, full nap in a place outside of our home. HE DID IT! WE DID IT! (sigh of relief) I am over the moon about this. I am happy that he is able to enjoy his time and feel completely comfortable playing with his buddies. As an only child and us being quiet homebodies, this experience is such a good thing for him and I'm just thrilled that he is loving it.

And to top it all off after an awesome day at Mother's Day Out we headed over to a Children's Fair with some of our favorite ladies (and the adorable baby Avi). We had a good time, but most of the events were centered towards children a little older. Ezra sure did get a kick out of the wildlife rescue area though, staring wide-eyed and in awe at the tiny owl as long as he could see him. After taking in what we could of the fair us mamas walked up the street to dinner at a local Cajun restaurant. The babies wailed and laughed and we enjoyed some good adult conversation over yummy food. Ezra was a big fan of my veggie scampi delight and as long I kept passing the zucchini he was thrilled to be there. I love having the opportunity to get out with other mamas and build that community that I think we all really need. Seeing Ezra play and interact with his baby buddies only reaffirms it more. Long story short, I had a great night and I think I should do things like that more often.

Life is full of such highs and lows and I'm learning to appreciate them all just as they are. This week and all of its sweetness is turning out to be such a lovely little high and I am filled with gratitude. There is lots on the agenda, but it's all connected to something that brings my heart joy so I'm just feeling pretty great about the next several days.

Happy Wednesday everybody! I hope you're having an awesome week!

-Tara

The Flu, Cards, and Liebsters! Oh my!

This weekend I got hit hard by the flu. Hard. I haven't been sick in years and I quickly found out that being ill as a mom is a totally different ballgame than my pre-mama sickie days. Thank goodness I have an amazing, badass husband who took care of the little one, cooked the meals, cleaned the house, and provided general loviness and comfort. In addition to all the wonderfulness that the hubs was dishing out my mom came up and helped me with the little guy when Kellen's schedule prohibited him. (Thank you Kel. Thank you, Mom.) The last thing anybody wanted was Ezra to get the nastiness I was experiencing (super high temp, chills, sore throat, fatigue, and general craptitude), but it was so hard to stay away from him during my contagious period. Is it just me or do your kids get cuter when you know you shouldn't hug and kiss on them?

Every day I have been inching towards full health and today I was able to take a long walk in the park, work, and play with my little guy. I'm still feeling that lingering sluggishness that unfortunately comes along with the flu, but I think with another good night's rest I should be back at 100 percent.

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To brighten up my sickly weekend I received these lovely handmade cards from Lauren at Ellie Soo. How cute are they, seriously? I have been meaning to get back into letter writing with some of my dearest friends across the country and I can't wait to put these adorable little cards to use! If you haven't received a hand-written letter in the mail in some time go ahead, put yourself out there, and write one because honestly it's so much fun (and unfortunately a lost art).

Opening up the mailbox to find a loving, thoughtful letter, even if it's about nothing really, will totally make someone's day. Yes, a sweet text or a kind message on facebook is nice and all, but nothing says 'hey I took the time and effort to send you some love' like a hand-written letter.

Thank you so much, Lauren. The cards are perfect!

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And speaking of how sweet Lauren is, she also nominated me for a Liebster Award.

'Liebster' means 'favorite' or 'dearest' in German. This award, which originated in Germany, recognizes up and coming bloggers with less than 200 followers. 

Lauren, thank you so much. Seriously, this is such a sweet gesture. I love the community, friendships, information sharing and of course love and camaraderie that is shared in these little blogs of ours. I have learned and grown from being a part of this community and I hope to have contributed something positive to it as well. In the spirit of paying it forward I would like to nominate 5 of my favorite small blogs. Just to give a hat tip and a head nod for all the awesomeness you ladies are putting out there.

All Natural Annie
Noelle Aloud
Lea the Lion
Porcelain Heart, Ivory Tooth
Project Little Smith

Thanks for sharing your stories and insights! You ladies are truly inspirational!

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I hope you guys are having a lovely week so far. Now that I am feeling better I can't wait to get out and enjoy that beautiful sunshine some more!

Namaste!

Tara

Tuesdays

A little over month ago Ezra started in a Mother's Day Out program on Tuesdays. This was a big step for both him and us, as he had never been taken care of by anyone other than his grandparents and never during the day for any substantial amount of time. But honestly, I was so so excited and ready for this step!

I talked to lots of local parents and shopped around to make sure that we found a good match for all of us. We met with the MDO director, viewed their program, and I completely fell in love. For one, the nursery is very small. Four children and one caregiver sometimes with a helper or two. The woman, Liz, who would be caring for Ezra seemed very calm and sweet and answered all of our questions without hesitation. She has been working in the nursery for almost a decade and clearly has so much baby love it was contagious. The environment seemed intimate and loving and enriching and all that good stuff we were looking for.

There was one available spot on Tuesdays and I couldn't believe our luck at how well it would work into our schedules and how genuinely impressed I was with the program. We decided that it was for us and I immediately got all excited and incredibly nervous. What would I do with 5 baby free hours? Would Ezra be scared? upset? excited? joyed? Would he cry? Would I?

Yeah, I totally did. Walking down those stairs away from my baby for the first time I cried like a baby myself.

And so did he. He has cried every time he has gone and for the last several weeks I have started picking him up after 2 1/2 hours. I know that some of it is his issues with teething, but clearly his separation anxiety is quite strong. His stance while at MDO is to cry and look at the door. Oh, the whole thing just breaks my heart.

I know that I am doing the right thing. Socialization (especially for only children) and learning how to be cared for by someone other than a parent are incredibly important skills. It's also important that I have this little bit of time to catch up on all the many things that fall by the wayside, as well as to have a moment to breathe. My plan was to use this time to clean, catch up on laundry and dishes, run any errands than need attending to, spend some needed one on one time with the hubby, and maybe (just maybe) squeeze in a workout here and there. This was my plan. Well, we all know about plans and babies. Ha!

I so badly want him to love it and to look forward to his time there. I want him to make little friends and have a ball playing and learning in a new environment. I know how overwhelming and scary the whole experience must be for him right now and that is why we have decided to slowly ease him into it. It's really important to me to not rush him or create more anxiety around the situation. A couple of hours every week until he is comfortable and then at his own pace move to the full time.

And that's where we stand right now. Every Tuesday I drop him off at 10 AM, run as many errands and do as much possible housework as the time allows, and pick him up around 12:30 PM. The poor babe is normally a ball of tears and snot when I show up and after a few minutes of my presence and lots of kisses he begins happily bouncing around the room. If only he could do that without me there! After catching up on his morning with Liz we head home. He has yet to nap at MDO so he normally crashes out within minutes of our arrival. Bottle, story, kisses, and bam- hardcore 2 hour nap.

I know that Kellen and I are his security right now. We are really all that he knows, but I am hoping that over the course of the next several months we will be able to help him feel comfortable and confident in another environment. I know that this has the potential to be such a good thing for both him and us and I have received lots of encouragement and support from my mama pals, so we will keep on chugging away, slowly but surely.

And one lovely Tuesday he's going to have a blast!

(That's the plan at least.)

Independently

Our boy is sitting independently! Woot woot! As we spend most of our time as a family playing on the floor this new skill is quite the exciting game changer in our house. I love being able to interact with Ezra face to face without having to prop him up or constantly hold on to him. My arms are finally experiencing some well-deserved, sweet freedom! LIMB LIBERATION! It's the best. Some freshly freed arms, in addition to Ezra's ever-growing curiosity and other physical abilities, make playing with him even more fun than it was before!

With this new ability he is appearing more a little boy and less a little baby. Before having a child I thought I would be sad about my baby growing out of his baby-ness. I have heard many friends mourn the passing of the infant stage, wishing they could keep their children that way forever. I have now decided that these people are insane and should not be trusted.

Okay, maybe that's an overstatement, but there will be no mourning the early infant stage from this mama. I adore that Ezra is acquiring new skills. I love how much more I am able to have some kind of meaningful communication with him. I like that I can see real understanding behind his little eyes when I do or say certain things. Every day he seems more like a little person that I can connect with and less defined by his basic needs.

Obviously tiny babies need to be defined by their needs. They need to need, but I think anybody that says that the newborn/ early infant phase is a whole bunch of fun is well....they're lying. (or it could just be me)

It's a cliche and it's a cliche for a reason. When you have a tiny baby sometimes you kind of lose your mind, spending most of your days covered in bodily functions and laundry. Yep, that sounds about right. Of course I loved my little baby like crazy, but I don't think I would have called that time in our relationship fun or really all that interesting. He cried a lot (A LOT) and I tried my absolute best to crack the code. Walking? Bottle? Bouncing? Sleep? Diaper? Overstimulated? Understimulated? Hot? Cold?

It was difficult and it's okay that it was difficult. It's supposed to be difficult. A little baby's gotta be a little baby. But honestly, I'm thrilled that we're moving beyond it. Obviously he is still very much an infant and I love that, but I am very happy to be entering a new stage in his development.

The ability to communicate is just so key for me. I can clearly see joy, frustration, fear, excitement, etc... and I know that he is picking up (or maybe now he's just able to show it) on his environment. Basically, it's validating to feel like what you're doing is making a difference, which might sound self-important, but it's true. Parenting is hard work and it's nice to see that work actually well, "working". It's really nice to feel like you are able to communicate with someone with which you spend a majority of your time. All those skills help grow our relationship and his relationship with the world around him. It's a pretty darn cool thing to see. Not to mention he just looks so ridiculously cute sitting on his own! Ah, I can't take it....too cute....

The Half Birthday Boy

And just like that six months is behind us.

I never knew it possible for my heart to grow so much is so little time. Every day brings so much new and watching Ezra's personality begin to emerge is just about the neatest thing I have ever experienced. His fits of giggles and hilarious brow-cocked smirks fill the space where sleep once lived and we can't help but gush like fools when anyone inquires about our boy.

 The past six months have most definitely been quite the ride. It's no secret that I struggled in those early months of Ez's life, but when I felt like I couldn't see the way he always lit the path. It took me awhile to learn the language, but now I feel pretty fluent in mama and the words and gestures come just as naturally as exhaling. He continues to let me know how to be his mother and I just try to be as present and attentive as I can to take the cues.

There is no teacher. There is no student. There is just us, learning the best way to love one another and fully experience the joy of our life.

I can see so many changes coming our way and I am so very excited about the future with our little man. As words replace spit up and the path to those first steps seems ever closer, I am reminding myself to savor every moment. He will only be a baby once.

 Happy half birthday, my beautiful ginger boy! You are just the absolute best and I couldn't love you more!

Namaste.

Tara

Zipping It

Yogic tradition teaches that it takes 40 days to change behavior; 40 days to develop a life promoting habit and 40 days to drop a destructive habit. With that idea in mind I will be taking some time away from Joyful Yoga. I feel I am in a place where I need to do more listening than speaking in hopes to cultivate a more thoughtful and less reactionary attitude.

I feel like I have finally stopped reeling from the changes (oh, so many changes) that new motherhood brings and am ready to take some time to figure it all out. My life is so different now, so beautifully different, than the one I had before. I think differently and feel differently and most definitely sleep differently. With all this change I need to step away, regroup, and allow myself the quietness to process it all. Now is a time of learning and I know for me it's very difficult to learn when I'm continually talking.

I love blogging about yoga, family, food, etc... and all the goodness and perspective that has been sent my way has been incredible. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and love with me. I have so much fun with my little piece of the internet and I plan on returning, but for now my focus lies elsewhere. These days are so precious with Ezra and each shares a new look or laugh or ability. I want to soak this babyness up and really be in every moment without taking any time away to judge or analyze.

I want to live this incredible life for awhile, quietly, mindfully.

Namaste.
Tara

Firsts

Today was the first day that I have worked out since Ezra was born and it was GLORIOUS. I got outside and walked about 4 miles. Let me tell you, it felt so good. The morning sun was amazing. We have been mainly kickin' it indoors (it is way too hot most days for little man to handle) making this morning all the more special. 

To be moving in a way that wasn't fulfilling another's needs helped me feel in my own body for the first time in a long time. Since the last couple of months of my pregnancy I have felt as if my body wasn't mine. My body was entirely Ezra's. I have never felt resentful or angry about the body snatching. It was what he needed. I was what he needed and that was totally fine. It's kind of a part of the pregnancy/ new mama gig. Being a new mother is an all-encompassing job and that includes physicality. Hey, that baby isn't going to bounce himself! I have never felt so connected to anything or anyone on such a primal level and I absolutely adore being close to him, providing what he needs, giving him all of me, but it was nice to have a little piece to myself today.

Riding on my workout high I have decided to try to make it a regular thing. I am incredibly lucky that a good friend is also on the exercise train, so she will be joining me everyday. Having a workout buddy has always made it easier for me to keep with a schedule. Accountability and some good conversation can be a great help when getting into a exercise groove. 

The schedule as planned:
Monday, Tuesday, Friday - an hour/ hour and a half walk
Wednesday, Thursday - forty-five minutes of yoga

Once Ezra is a bit bigger and the weather isn't so oppressive I would love to get him outside and include him in my walks. I also have an "mommy and baby yoga" instructional book that I can't wait to use. It will be nice to include him in this part of my life, but for now I am enjoying having it all to myself.


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On an unrelated note, Ezra and I spent several hours last night at a friend's house. This was monumental as it was the first time we had been over to anyone else's house since his birth. When he was going through his colicky phase I was hesitant to take him out. I was worried it would just be too overwhelming for the both of us. Some babies just take a little bit longer to adjust to life outside the womb and I feel like I made a good decision keeping him close to home for so long. Now that both he and I are calmer and more in sync with one another I felt we were ready for a night out. Thankfully, I was right. I was able to chat up my friend as he enjoyed the new environment. He seemed to have a lot of fun with the adventure as did I and I learned that eating a veggie taco with one hand isn't as difficult as you would think.

We are just having a week of firsts and it has all been really positive so far. We're developing our new "normal" and it's all incredibly encouraging. 


Namaste!
Tara

Back In The Saddle

Today was my first day back to work at the museum. Ah! I can't believe it has already been 6 weeks! I am returning slowly beginning with only a few hours one day a week. Once I am fully back into the swing of things I will still only be working part-time as it is very important to Kellen and I that one of us is always with Ezra during the week. Childcare is extremely cost prohibitive and we are fortunate enough financially that I will be able to stay home with him the majority of the time. 

I love, love, love my job and it was so rewarding to be back in that environment. Getting out of the house and doing something I really enjoy and making a little bit of extra money is really good for me right now and wearing clothes that weren't pajamas (no matter how cute they are) was a welcome change of pace. I am learning that it is very easy to become isolated in new motherhood and just this little bit of time away is definitely going to help prevent too much removal from the outside world.

I definitely missed my little man, but I was back so quickly (less than 3 hours) I think he barely noticed my absence. I was also very happy that I was swamped with work, making the time go by super duper quickly. It was hectic, but definitely a blessing to my emotions. By the time my heart began to really ache for him I was in the car driving the less than 5 miles back to our home.

I never really saw myself as the "stay at home" type, but now that he is here that is exactly where I want to be. This is the time to really cultivate the beginnings of my relationship with my child and I am incredibly lucky to have the time and monetary stability to do that. With that being said I am still an individual with my own passions and curiosities. I still need time away from the home to pursue the other things that color my life with fulfillment. Like most things, it's not all or nothing and I look forward to finding the balance between work and home. 


"Be moderate in order to taste the joys of life in abundance." 
-Epicurus

Namaste! 
Tara

It Is Your Guide

I haven't wanted to talk, let alone write about this, but I think that it is important to admit that I'm struggling. It is so easy to cherry pick the good moments and prop them up as if they were the whole story. We all want to seem beautiful and happy, sometimes to the point denying our own truths. But alas life is more complicated than that. With so much stigma about postpartum depression and so much pressure on new mothers to put forth this image that everything is sunny it rarely gets talked about in honest terms. Here are mine.

I love my son. I love him more than I ever thought possible to love another person. When he smiles at me I feel as though I might just die from the wonder of it. I love to hold him close and whisper into his ear, give him my secrets. I love to rock with him and gaze into his steel colored eyes, imagining how much he will change in the next several weeks, months, years. I love to kiss him and give him baby massages, calming us both, bringing us back down from the tension a good long fuss can cause. I know how fortunate I am that he is healthy and strong. I love him with all of my heart and I'm struggling.

As much as I love that amazing little boy I have moments, moments where I feel like I'm drowning. I sometimes feel like I'm doing it all wrong or I worry that we're not bonding. There are moments where I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper into some dark unknown place, a place that I know I don't want to go. Sometimes I focus on the pain of the past and become consumed by my grief. Sometimes I am short-sighted and worry this is how it will always be. I cry often. Sometimes there is a reason and sometimes I just need to purge all of the emotions that are swelling up inside me. I could easily let myself drown here, plummet into the darkness. I have started down that path and trust me, it is not a place you want to go. I have entertained ugly thoughts and let a hardness begin to form in me.

When I step away and think about the situation rationally I know that it was the perfect cocktail for PPD. With a traumatic birth experience, failed breastfeeding, a colicky baby combined with a history of depression it makes complete sense that I am feeling the way that I am. I can see the risk factors and exactly how I came to be at this place, but that doesn't change how isolating and overwhelming it can sometimes feel.

So today I am saying that I want to fight. I will not let this incapacitate me or kill all the joy in my life. I will grab on to every opportunity to heal that floats past with every bit of strength I have. I will seek them out. I will grieve the loss of a homebirth and successful breastfeeding and I will move on. I will do the best I can and know that just because I cannot comfort him now is no indication that I never will. I will acknowledge my feelings and share them honestly so that they don't fester and poison my mind. I will get out more and eat better and take control of my own experience. I am stronger than this and my son deserves a happy mother, my husband a healthy wife.

I will heal.

"Your pain matters, it is your guide to healing." 
-Lynn Madsen Rebounding From Childbirth

Namaste.
Tara

If yourself or a loved one is struggling with postpartum depression here are some great resources I found helpful.
Emotional Recovery from a C Section
Online PPD Support Group
Postpartum Support International
Depression After Delivery

...And Breathe Out

This weekend was amazing. We spent a great night out with friends as my mom watched the little man. Spending most of the time talking about our babes at home, sharing the beauty and the struggles, it was reaffirming and invigorating. Having an adult conversation and a couple of drinks was so lovely and exactly what I needed. It can be so easy to get completely wrapped up in all that is having a newborn and to step away for just a moment did a world of good. As we drove home I couldn't wait to get back to Ezra, to hold him close and gaze at his beautiful little face.

The rest of the weekend was spent lounging with my boys, really relaxing together as a family for the first time since Ez's birth. We all needed a good couple of days to just lay in bed, cuddle, and watch bad tv. Saturday Ezra turned one month old and we all celebrated with lots of kisses and naps. There is something inherently wonderful about lazy weekends. Now we just lounge plus one. 

Sometimes you need to get out to feel satisfied, understood, heard and sometimes all you need is the comfort of your own bed and the people that you love.

Getting into the groove of motherhood is still very much a work in progress and we have good days and more difficult ones, but a balance is forming. Every day I am healing and feeling more capable. Every day we are all learning more about what one another needs, learning how to become a family.

I feel as though with the intensity of so much new entering my life I have been holding my breath for the last month and this weekend was a big exhale.

Namaste.
Tara

7.26.11

Today the boy and I watch My So-Called Life and enjoy the laziness of our days together.

In the morning my amazing husband lets me indulge in a long nap (as he does every day) and as I wake up I can't wait to get downstairs and hold my son close. In my sleep I miss his coos and smiles (Yes- he's started to smile! Ah!). I miss his smell. He's had a fussy morning I'm told, but quickly calms so his father and I can spend a few hours together before his dad heads off to sleep. (We have a very unorthodox sleeping schedule in this house as of late, but it works for us and keeps us both sane.) Downton Abbey is beautiful as always (Watch this show!) and soon I'm kissing Kellen goodnight at 3:30 PM.

The little man is now sleeping as I watch the life of Angela Chase unfold. I hope he is picking up on some of its amazingness.

"People are always saying you should be yourself, like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster. Like you know what it is even. But every so often I'll have, like, a moment, where just being myself in my life right where I am is, like, enough." - Angela Chase of My So-Called Life

Namaste.
Tara

Becoming Flexible

Wow. So I was right- having a baby does totally kick your butt! Ha!

I have never been so challenged, cried so much, or felt so much pure love for another being. In this roller coaster of new motherhood I am learning how to be flexible in unexpected ways.

I am learning that nothing is ever as you planned and holding on to the past or to your pain will only bring future suffering. So Ezra's birth did not unfold as I had imagined. So breastfeeding became so painful and eventually physically impossible (pus, scabs, etc...) that I had to give it up. So I only sleep a couple of hours a night and have a baby that needs to be held/ bounced pretty much constantly. It is not what I had imagined, but it is exactly as it should be.

Motherhood has shown me the rigidity that I sometimes possess, the desire for constant perfection (however I define it) and it has forced me to let a lot of my ego go. A baby doesn't care that you didn't get the birth that you wanted or that you are in so much pain from an unplanned surgery that picking them up is difficult. A baby doesn't care that you can't physically bounce up and down on the yoga ball anymore or that you haven't slept for more than two hours in a row in weeks. A baby most definitely doesn't care about your preconceived notions of what a "good mother" is. A baby wants love and closeness and ease. They want your best self, not who you thought your best self was.

I am becoming truly flexible for the first time and it feels really good. 

Namaste!
Tara